Three and in – not just another football blog

They seem suspiciously happy to expose themselves to abuse and blame for results they can have little control over (compared to the players, at least). Even if they’re successful one season, that only gives their future-detractors ammunition with which to accuse them of having ‘lost it’ in following seasons when they inevitably struggle to achieve quite the same level of success. Ferguson and Wenger, two of the Premiership’s most successful managers, have certainly had their fair share of such accusations during less successful periods. It seems the only way to maintain a reputation as a good manager is to ditch your team as soon as you win anything with them and get out of the country.

But before we all start wearing ribbons for them, let’s not forget that, by regular standards, they do have a really, really, easy job. They never even have to run!  The ‘pressure’ they suffer surrounds their long-term decisions,  that can be made over hours, with advice from colleagues and underlings, in the pub, in the bath, in bed. Not like the players’ instant-result/consequence pressure on the pitch, which could more conceivably get to you ‘in the moment’ and cause some ill-advised (not-at-all-advised, to be fair to them) decisions like poor passing choices, over-zealous tackles or yellow cards for dissent.

So isn’t the role of manager, even with no transfer budget, stars sold, replacements touted, actually a pretty cushty job? Why should we feel sorry for them? ‘Aw, they’ve been treated badly’, ‘Made fools of in the public eye’, ‘Terrible pressure, terrible pressure’. These people (the ones we tend to hear about at least) are averaging £1m a year in wages. That’s almost £20,000 a week – not far off what a lot of the premier-league players (that we’ll never feel sorry for because ‘Look-how-much-money-they-make-it’s-a-joke’) earn.

But they have to work 80-odd hours a week! Including weekends! Poor darlings. The average football fan probably thinks about what their team needs to do/sign/sell/set-up/drop/promote for about half of that anyway. For free.

Which this week brings us to West Ham. Whatever could have enticed Avram Grant to the position that he ‘was advised by several people not to take’? Can anyone think what could possibly have possessed him? Despite the ‘terrible situation’ he knew he would find himself in at the currently-so-turbulent club? And why would any other sane person want to take over as manager of the club?

Admittedly, the way West Ham’s owners had touted Grant’s recently-vacated position to other managers behind their current employee’s back can’t have been much fun for him, and has already blown the club’s chances of getting Martin O’Neill on board. And did they think that sacking Grant minutes after the game that confirmed their relegation would do anything to help repair their image as Employers From Hell amongst the football-management community?

But the reality is that there will always be plenty of managers who are willing to take the position, however ‘difficult’ the circumstances, because it beats working for a living. Or punditry – which it turns out must be a lot harder than it looks, considering the ever-declining quality of ‘insight’ we’re fed these days from the BBC, Sky, or (god help us) ITV.

Maybe Grant’s instant-sacking was a move engineered to help the club’s long-suffering fans to release some of their considerable frustration in these disappointing times. We’d all like to be able to sack someone for not delivering our team to the Premiership title, Champions League & FA Cup treble, and the manager’s the only one you can’t sell, so why not? He gets his money, you get your fall guy. Everyone’s a winner.

But right after the game?

Maybe they just wanted to be able to get into the changing room before other Premiership suitors came calling for Scott Parker and offer him the job. Apparently he’s been taking the half-time team talks this year anyway, and I can’t see too many West Ham fans arguing with that appointment after the dogged performances he’s consistently turned in over the season. He’s a man that doesn’t crack under pressure, that much seems clear.

And coaching badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges!*

* Just ask Gareth Southgate.

The benefit provided by a strong backroom staff or assistant has long been up for debate. Many wonder just what Pat Rice does alongside Arsene Wenger on the Arsenal bench, other than put out cones and occasionally don sunglasses so he resembles a sub-standard Elton John impersonator. Alex Ferguson, however, has famously benefited from a series of much-acclaimed assistants. Both Brian Kidd and Carlos Quieroz were revered for their work as number twos, but like Gary Barlow, couldn’t cut it when they went solo.

Last week, Chelsea clearly felt that Ray Wilkins was expendable and that Carlo Ancelotti could manage managing just fine without him. On the other side of London, West Ham obviously felt Avram Grant needed all the help they could get. Two-headed football club-owning monster Gollivan appointed former Reading and Southampton coach Wally Downes as a Defensive Specialist. Downes has drilled back fours before for the likes of Steve Coppell and Alan Pardew, and was seemingly brought in to tighten up a leaky defensive unit.

It was a surprising appointment. The cultured Israeli Avram Grant and loudmouth cockney Downes are chalk and cheese: the odd couple of football management, thrown together by a pair of owners playing cupid. In many ways, the appointment could have been seen as undermining Grant and paving the way for his eventual replacement by, say, a figure like Copell.

Whatever the methodology behind Downes’ arrival, the turnaround since he rocked up has been extraordinary. A 3-1 win over Wigan was followed by the 4-0 hammering of Manchester United in the League Cup.

I’m not suggesting for a minute that Downes is solely responsible for the revival in fortunes. Carlton Cole’s comments last night, however, would suggest he’s played a significant role:

“Wally Downes is having a real impact, he’s got us working together as a team, and hopefully this week can prove a real turning point for us this season.”

And within Cole’s quote lies the secret of Downes’ impact – and it’s nothing to do with perfecting the offside trap. Downes is an unbearably energetic and infectious personality to have on the training ground. That’s yet another way in which he is Grant’s antithesis. You’ll never see Grant barking instructions from the touchline. Equally, you’ll hardly ever see Downes sitting down.

It’s a simple strategy, but the effects are already clear. Bringing in someone who isn’t afraid to bawl out the players, to crack a joke as well as the whip, appears to have sparked some life out of the previously catatonic Hammers.

Where’s Wally? He’s the short one screaming at the players. And making, so far, quite the difference.

Every week Lawrence Gray-Hodson, a man who made his name in the upper reaches of Division 2 in the 1970s and 80s as well as being a former Scotland and England international, writes a column exclusively for Three and in.

This week it’s religion in football

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How many of us go through the day talking about religion? Not many, you might say, but stop and think about it. You come out of work to find your car clamped just moments after the parking meter has run out. What do you say? Not ‘damn’ or ‘blast’ but ‘Jesus Christ! You arsehole clampers’.

When you wake in the morning with a hangover you say ‘By the sacred heart of the holy mother of the crucified saviour, my head is pounding like Boy George’s rectum’. And it’s not just us folk of a certain generation who do it, it’s the kids. Don’t believe me? Ask them anything and they’ll begin their answer with an entreatment to the man above.

“Oh my God, you wouldn’t believe what happened when me and Tamarah drank all that Blue WKD last week!’. Oh my God, indeed. Even my Muslim pal, Mazhar, is known to blurt out the odd ‘Allah Akbar’ when he loses an argument over a few pints down the local.

It’s just part of our day to day vocabulary, even if for many of us it’s no longer a part of our lives. I was a committed church of England goer, attending service every Sunday. I’ll admit a certain selfishness to it. Despite having serious doubts about the existence of God I went along to pray for a move to a first division club which, as you all know, never came about. Disillusioned with the fact that God was content to leave my career in the doldrums I turned my back on him and stopped believing.

Not long after I finished playing I was at a dinner-dance and Ron Atkinson happened to be there. I went to speak to him, this was at the height of his fame, and he said something to me, his wrists dripping with gold, which stopped me dead in my tracks. “Who are you, son?”.

Hinduism was temping but ultimately not for me

Who was I? I’d never stopped to think about it before. It set me on a spiral of self-recrimination and doubt and I spent some time traveling around India and Thailand to try and discover the real me. There I spoke to many people of different religious. Hindu, Buddhist, Islamanian, Christian, all of whom tried to convince me their religion was the path to enlightenment. I was dubious and in the end discovered that path lay at the end of a charas pipe and between the legs of a young Australian backpacker called Anabelle.

One thing I can tell you, however, is that in all the years I was playing I never knew of a player to miss a game because of his religion. Sure, things weren’t as diverse back then as they are now, but we still had a few ‘curiosities’ in the team. We had plenty of Irish catholics but they never took St Patrick’s Day off. The English tradition of playing throughout the Christmas period would have been fairly ruined if all the Christians in the teams, most of the players remember, decided to keep that particular holiday sacred.

And even when Graham Smith, our robust centre-forward, embraced Zoroastrianism because of his Iranian wife he didn’t let the edict that men should not see each other naked stop him jumping into the big communal bath at the end of every game. If anything he spent more time naked, his scrotum flapping in the breeze like a battered pink teardrop. Like in any civilised country there’s a separation between religion and state there should always be a separation between religion and football.

This is why I find it astounding that Avram Grant is going to miss West Ham’s game with Stoke because of the Jewish festival of Yom Kippur. Let’s face it, Grant isn’t exactly in a great position to start taking days off willy-nilly. They haven’t won a game all season, they’ve conceded three goals in all four league games, scoring only two, and he’s going to stay at home and not eat for sins he hasn’t committed yet? How does that work?

Does he want to be a football manager or a rabbi? If I was a West Ham fan I’d be absolutely fuming that the manager of my football club has put his religious beliefs before the good of his football team. Isn’t God supposed to be forgiving? God is mercy. God is understanding and all that. These holy days were invented years ago before there was the possibility they might fall on the same day as the football fixtures. I’m sure God realises that three points against Stoke are more important than him, unless he’s more vain than Mick Channon.

What if all the Christians in league decided they wouldn’t play on Sundays? Sky’s Super Sunday wouldn’t be so super then, would it? And if Grant is available to work every Saturday, the Jewish sabbath, then it’s a bit much that he’s a part-time worshipper. If he can overlook the requirements of his religion when it suits him then he should be able to overlook them when it suits his football club. Can you imagine if one his players asked for the day off to go see the Pope? He’d be rightly told to focus on what was important, not some old German bloke called Benny.

If it were up to me I’d sack him on the spot. Sure, you might say it’s illegal to sack somebody because of their religious beliefs but we’re too PC in this day and age. What about those West Ham fans for whom football is their religion? They worship at the Cathedral of Upton Park, they pray at the altar of Carlton Cole and they’re afraid their team is about to be crucified by Pulis Pilate and his hordes on Saturday.

Avram Grant has got his priorities all askew, I’m afraid. He’d better hope his team saves his bacon because he’ll be done up like a Wrong Kipper if they don’t get anything from this game.

Shalom folks, until next week.

Is Avram Grant a good football manager or not?  Frankly, I haven’t the foggiest.

Prior to his time at West Ham, he’d been in charge at two Premier League clubs, and on both occasions was the beneficiary of circumstances which either made him look good, or rendered him immune from criticism.

At Chelsea he inherited a team and set of players who required little-to-no adjustment.  In his brief but brilliantly successful time at the club, Jose Mourinho had installed a tactical discipline and will to win that remains to this day.  Ending as runner-up in three competitions was the genesis of Grant’s reputation as a gallant loser.

It was a persona that he cemented in his time at Portsmouth.  Their financial troubles and eventual points deduction made any positive result both an achievement and a surprise.  To gain a measure of the goodwill towards Grant, just recall the muted reaction to his alleged visit to a brothel as compared to Wayne Rooney’s recent travails.

Despite relegation, Grant departed Portsmouth with his reputation intact – even enhanced.  His appointment at West Ham, however, was met with a mixed reaction by supporters, and any initial doubts have been confirmed after a return of zero points from their opening four games.  For the first time in a long time, Grant is being exposed to criticism.  The fixture list has dealt him a cruel hand, whilst the transfer funds he was promised have never materialised.

This season, unlike last, Grant will not be spared by the press when it comes for blame to be apportioned.  The plight of Portsmouth induced empathy in neutrals and the media.  West Ham’s popularity, meanwhile, is spiraling downwards under the ownership of the Gollivan monster.  In many ways, Grant’s best hope is that the fans turn on the owners before the coach.   One suspects, however, that Gold & Sullivan are too savvy to allow that to happen.

The current odds of 11/4 on him being the next Premier League manager to leave his post seem remarkably long.  Grant’s luck may have finally deserted him.

Weekend #2 of the new Premier League season is upon us. At this stage of the season, each passing fixture will increase our knowledge of the league’s component teams. Perhaps this weekend will answer a few burgeoning questions: Are Chelsea charlatans? Are Blackpool bluffers? And why is Javier Hernandez allowed to wear spanish grocery jargon on the back of his shirt?

Saturday

High-flying Blackpool emulate a man recently discharged from the Israeli army as they face a tricky trip to the Emirates. After a disappointing performance at Anfield, Arsenal will be looking to the returning Robin van Persie and Cesc Fabregas to help them bounce back in style.

Blackburn will hope to continue their good start to the season as they travel to St. Andrews. It doesn’t look a tie for the purists, but is noteworthy for a possible debut against his former club for Birmingham‘s new signing Malcolm Christie, returned from his Greek Odyssey.

Wolves will attempt to chew their way through the Toffees, but back at Goodison Park and smarting from defeat last week, Everton will be a difficult proposition for Mick McCarthy’s men.

Heurelho Gomes will have been having many a restless night in anticipation of his return to Stoke. Whilst he’s recovered from the calamitous form that characterised his early Tottenham career, if anything is likely to spark a relapse it’s Stoke’s muscular approach to penalty box tomfoolery.

According to the omniscient @Optajoe, Bolton‘s Kevin Davies has scored eight goals in his last ten appearances against a cowering West Ham. He’ll be aiming to continue that record as the hard edge to Owen Coyle’s increasingly silky Trotters.

After being smothered by the Tangerines, Wigan could be in the stocks again as they brace themselves for the visit of Carlo Ancelotti’s Chelsea. Wigan’s defence is so bad that they were described this week as “struggling to cope with the loss of Titus Bramble”. That says it all.

Sunday

Newcastle‘s return to the top flight confuses me. When I see them appear in the fixture list, I get a tingle of excitement, as I briefly forget they’re no longer the glamour team of the mid-90s. And then I see Andy Carroll, the bemopped behemoth upfront, and come tumbling back to Earth. They’ll be up against a Villa side whose grief over the departure of James Milner will be soothed by all those millions and millions of pounds, and the arrival of Stephen Ireland.

Man United travel to Fulham, the scene of a drubbing last season. With United old boy Sparky Hughes now in charge for the Cottagers, they might encounter less resistance.

Monday

The weekend looks, on paper, to be saving the best for last, as Man City host Roy Hodgson’s Liverpool. This game should mark the Premier League debut of Mario Balotelli, the angriest man earning £180,000 p/week I’ve ever seen.

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Full fixture list:

Saturday, 21 August 2010
Arsenal v Blackpool, 15:00
Birmingham v Blackburn, 15:00
Everton v Wolverhampton, 15:00
Stoke v Tottenham, 15:00
West Brom v Sunderland, 15:00
West Ham v Bolton, 15:00
Wigan v Chelsea, 17:15
Sunday, 22 August 2010
Newcastle v Aston Villa, 13:30
Fulham v Man Utd, 16:00
Monday, 23 August 2010
Man City v Liverpool, 20:00

Last Man Back’s Accumulator

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Your predictions, as ever, welcome. There will be a prize for anyone who gets anything right. But the prize will probably just be figurative. So don’t get your hopes up.

Since acquiring a controlling interest in West Ham United, messrs Gold and Sullivan (a two-headed monster dubbed Gollivan by The Guardian’s Fiver) have courted media attention at every turn. Whether publicly admonishing the team or declaring their intentions to sign David Beckham, they’ve made their presence felt at every possible opportunity.

At the moment they’re up in arms about Tottenham Hotspur’s bid to sign captain Scott Parker. Towards the back end of last season, in a typically headline-grabbing moment, Gollivan declared that the entire West Ham squad was available for transfer – with the exception of Parker. When Spurs’ bid arrived, David Sullivan was quick to make clear that they were barking up the most unwelcoming of trees:

“I made a promise that I would not sell Scott and I will not, for any amount of money, break that promise to the West Ham supporters.

This is a new era. We are building a bigger, better West Ham and when we make a promise, we honour it.”

A reddening Sullivan added that he was “very angry with Harry, Daniel [Levy, the Tottenham chairman] and Spurs”.  Harry Redknapp, that most experienced wheeler-dealers, has reacted swiftly to the rebuttal:

“You can make an offer for a player if you want to. You can make an offer for anybody. I’m sure the chairman must have got some encouragement or he wouldn’t have made an offer.”

A fair point, but Redknapp still had a further knockout blow up his sleeve:

“Who made it public that we made an offer?”

That, Gollivan, is check-mate.

If your sole desire was to keep Scott Parker at the club, you would never have mentioned Spurs’ bid to the press.  It would have been dismissed, via fax, and never spoken of again.  Instead, the West Ham owners couldn’t resist the opportunity to swagger and posture before their new fans.

In many respects they’re making the situation worse.  Arsenal made a similar statement in regard to Cesc Fabregas, but that was only in the face of an extraordinary amount of media speculation.  Gollivan’s actions are due to be the catalyst to an ongoing tabloid saga that will almost certainly end with Scott Parker becoming unsettled.  This is certainly Parker’s last chance to play in the Champions League, and Spurs are reportedly the club he supported as a boy.  It is guaranteed their interest will prick his ears.

Sullivan and Gold’s ‘openness’ with the media is what made Gianfranco Zola’s position as West Ham manager untenable.  What an irony it would be if that same ‘openness’ cost the Hammers their best player, as well as forcing Gollivan in to the most embarrassing climbdown since Edmund Hillary realised he’d forgotten the flag.

It’s hard to imagine Raul in anything other than the white of Real Madrid but after 323 goals in 741 games at the Bernebeu he’s announced his departure. He says his future lies in Germany or England and Schalke are supposedly favourites, but he could definitely do a job in England. Any one of these clubs could use him.

1 – Liverpool: Another free signing would suit the budget and let’s face it, Liverpool need a striker. Perhaps the arrival of Spanish legend might just convince Torres he should stay and try and get Liverpool back into the Champions League.

2 – Spurs: Harry Redknapp might have ruled out a move for him already but we all know what Harry says and what Harry does are often very different. If they get through their qualifying round Raul’s Champions League experience could be a godsend.

3 – Man United: He might be slowing down but with the kind of service he’d get at Old Trafford he’d still score goals. Decent insurance while we wait and see if Michael Owen can stay fit (hah!) or Javier Hernandez can make the step up to the Premier League.

4 – West Ham: They tried to sign Thierry Henry, Sullivan and Gold clearly have plenty of cash to throw around on wages, and Raul would get plenty of football. Would have to face the stiff challenge of Luis Boa Morte though.

5 – Man City: Hey, they seem to be signing every other striker in Europe. It’d be rude if they didn’t at least try.

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Raul at Madrid.

The transfer window is now well and truly open, blowing a gust of signings in to new clubs.  Managers everywhere are doing all they can to persuade players to jump in to their particular ship.  The traditional bait remains: swathes of cash, first-team football, and the chance of a fresh start.

There is, however, another tactic.  Football is an emotional game.  Should we therefore be surprised that transfer stories are full of the language of love?

Take Blackpool’s attempted seduction of recent free agent, Francis Jeffers.  Manager Ian Holloway can show Jeffers round the training ground, hand him a decent wage packet, and take him for a tour of Blackpool’s seaside attractions.  He knows, however, that that might not prove enough.  He needs a personal touch.  A splash of romance.  He needs to show Jeffers that he’ll be a generous, tender lover.

What can I say?  Ollie just loves Franny.

Sometimes romance makes way for pure lust.  Take West Ham’s charged pursuit of Nice striker Loic Remy.  Nice President Patrick Governati told L’Equipe:

“West Ham are hot for the player and we want to complete the transfer before the end of the month.”

With Gold, Sullivan, and Avram Grant in charge at Upon Park, no wonder there’s such a lascivious edge to their transfer dealings.

Former West Ham substitute Freddie Ljungberg, meanwhile, has been sleepless in Seattle for long enough, and after a good deal of speculation, could soon be switching teams.  Seattle coach Sigi Schmid says:

“At this point, he is exploring options … I know I have my feelings and my judgements on that thing.”

Whatever you decide Freddie, we’ll still love you just as much.

As the transfer window begins to creak towards closing and the media go transfer mental, keep an eye open for similarly romantic overtures/childish observations.  It breaks up the monotony.

Steven Gerrard said that the entire team was behind Robert Green.  Behind like staying in South Africa to play football while he goes for extra lessons at Clown School?

Congratulations to Chelsea, the table doesn’t lie and all that, but I can’t help but sit here this morning and wonder about the overall quality of the league this season.

Yes, there have been some stand-out stats. The amount of goals Chelsea have scored for one but that begs its own question – is a league in which you score 7 goals three times and 8 once really competitive?

Does the fact that the smaller teams have beaten the established big teams mean it’s more competitive, that anyone can beat anyone, or is it down to a lack of focus or a measure of arrogance on the part of the big teams? How do you tally Wigan’s 3-1 win over Chelsea with their last day hammering (10 men notwithstanding)?

Liverpool, many people’s tip for the title, ended up in 7th, financially broken and it looks like a long way back for them. The only thing lesson we can take is that pundits, most of whom thought they could win the league, talk an awful lot of rubbish.

Spurs finished in 4th and you can point to the wins over Arsenal and Chelsea as being crucial – they really were, but City could have done it and lacked the bottle, Villa never looked like they wanted it and Liverpool, from a footballing point of view, have fallen on the stubborn sword of Rafa. That Harry Redknapp has been named manager of the year for scraping into 4th tells its own story – and Fulham’s fans will feel rightly aggrieved that Roy Hodgson’s achivements, accomplished without the millions Redknapp has had to spend, haven’t been acknowledged.

At the other end the three worst teams undoubtedly went down but look at those above them. West Ham on 35 points, Wigan on 36, Wolves on 38, Bolton on 39. It used to be a case that you absolutely needed 40 points to be safe, that was the target everyone spoke about, this season you could have survived in 31. Hardly suggests the league is better, does it?

For years the Premier League has been widely regarded as the best in Europe – although I’ve long been of the opinion that the Spanish league’s technical superiority would provide better football and win more matches – but this season’s league, along with the relative failure of English clubs in the Champions League means the tide has well and truly turned.

The product is still glossy, well package and overly marketed, but the proof is in the pudding – there were more empty seats in Premier League stadiums than in any previous campaign. I’m sure that has to do with the times we live in, but like the economies around the world, the Premier League is suffering a football recession.