Three and in – not just another football blog

Hello guys.  Or, as the Saffers would cheerfully say, “Howzit oaks”.  (Grammar fans: be not alarmed.  Although ‘Howzit’ would appear to constitute a compressed question, it has come to lose that linguistic inflection.  See: ‘Wassup’ (US) for similar.)

After 24 hours of travel, 23 of which were accompanied by a screaming child, I am back in England, ready to share with you my findings from my African sojourn.

It’s perfectly safe.  Sort of.
“The media over-exaggerate the danger,” we were told.  “It’s perfectly safe.”

“Just be sure to never leave your house on foot.  Or get out of the car.  I wouldn’t leave the windows open, either.  And lock the doors.”

Turns out it is perfectly safe, as long as you’re surrounded at all times by concrete, metal, and probably some kind of electrified security system.

In that respect, it’s one of the most claustrophobic places I’ve ever been.  I live in London, where the expense of public transport and my inability to drive mean I walk or cycle everywhere.  I’m sure I would have been just fine had I done the same in Johannesburg, but there is such a deep-rooted and understandable climate of fear that even the suggestion seemed preposterous.

Everything has its price
And almost everything is negotiable.  It’s like a meeting with Harry Redknapp: you’re never quite sure what the total cost of anything is going to be, and where on Earth that money might end up.

Example: my fellow travellers and I booked a private tour of Soweto for 450 Rand.  It looked a good deal – until, that is, we realised the tour would consist of largely of being taken round the tour guide’s various local friends, being strongly encouraged to tip them for having a look at their street.  Final cost: 800 Rand.

They have politically incorrect chocolate
If there was one nation where a chocolate bar suggestive of a possible racial hierarchy would be inappropriate, it’s South Africa.

And yet, against all odds, I give you Cadbury’s Top Deck:

They love their ‘soccer’
Prior to the World Cup, football was regarded as a ‘black sport’.  A white face at an Orlando Pirates game was a rarity.  Despite that, the English Premier League has long been popular across race, social class, and background.  Nearly everyone we met had a favourite English side, with Man United and Liverpool dominating.

The only shame is that the World Cup fever will not translate in to a boom for South African soccer.  A lovely woman I met at a braai (an Afrikaans word for ‘barbecue’ that the South Africans use in one of their many attempts to differentiate themselves from Aussies) exemplified the prevailing attitude among white South Africans:

“I was never in to soccer before but I’ve enjoyed the World Cup so much that I’m going to watch all the Premier League games when the new season starts.”

They have a Big Five, not a Big Four
In England we obsess about the Big Four of United, Chelsea, Liverpool and Arsenal.  In South Africa they’re positively nonchalant about the presence of their Big Five: Rhino, Leopard, Elephant, Lion and Buffalo.  I saw the latter three on a mind-blowing trip to the Kruger National Park.  When a 17ft giraffe wonders out across the road in front of you it’s all you can do to stop humming the Jurassic Park theme music.

The roles of Man City and Spurs are played by the cheetah and wild dog – pushing for entry in to the Big Five but not quite taken seriously enough.

It’s a nation in recovery
Although the country is clearly in an infinitely better position than twenty years ago, the ghost of Apartheid still haunts South Africa.  It’s a rainbow nation, but it’s predominantly a black and white rainbow, with distinct bands of colour and little room for blurring.  The unified joy with which the World Cup was greeted will play a role in increasing national morale, but the cost of the world class stadiums still outweigh the investment in basic housing for the country’s poorest people.

They are extraordinarily warm people
In spite of any underlying socio-political problems, about which I concede I’m not remotely qualified to talk with any authority, the people of South Africa welcomed fans from across the world with warmth, generosity and excitement.  This is not a country who are used to having such diverse groups in such huge numbers descend upon them – they appreciated the fans, and did all they could to make their stay as much fun as possible.  Almost to a man, they asked, “Will you come back?”  They wanted to change the perception of their country, and I think they managed it.  There’ve been better World Cups, but there can’t have been many better hosts.

Let me begin by offering my apologies for my radio silence – I’ve been watching an altogether different kind of game for the past few days in the Kruger national park. Since I last blogged I’ve been to Ghana v USA and, crushingly, England v Germany.

The first of those matches was undoubtedly the more fun experience – below you can see a few pics of the game – before, during, and after.

It’s no exaggeration to say that it feels like the whole of Africa are behind Ghana now. I’ll be at Soccer City tomorrow night cheering them on. It’ll be my third Ghana game of the tournament – I’m an honorary Ghanaian.

WINNERS

Katlego Mphela
Another impressive display against France. If it weren’t for the width of the woodwork, he’d have ended the tournament with three goals and a deservedly enhanced reputation.

Diego Maradona
If any further proof was needed that the Fates are with Maradona this summer, his wild card pick, the 36 year-old Martin Palermo, scored in yesterday’s 2-0 win over Greece. Nine points from nine in the group stages, Argentina are the front-runners as we enter the last sixteen.

South America
Uruguay and Argentina have qualified as group winners – Brazil, Chile and Paraguay all look well-placed to do the same.

LOSERS

Africa
The continent lost the plucky hosts and the uninspiring Nigeria in a day. Today’s game between Ghana and Germany could determine whether the host continent has a single nation competing in the last sixteen.

Yakubu Aiyegbeni
Sidefooted wide from three yards when presented with an open goal. Rolled in a penalty afterwards, but nothing will exorcise the ghost of that particular miss. Expect him, like Robert Green, to be immortalised in World Cup Bloopers DVDs from now on.

Raymond Domenech
Perhaps France could make their own 2010 Bloopers Epic, with Domenech the star. After qualifying through dubious means with Thierry Henry’s handball, a karmic curse has hung over their campaign. Yesterday’s defeat to South Africa, which saw Domenech forced to drop several of his best players due to their off-field conduct or sheer unwillingness to play, was their predictable nadir. Domenech’s refusal to shake Carlos Alberto Parreira’s hand at the end was the undignified exit her deserved. Good luck Laurent – I’d advise starting with a Blanc slate.

On the face of I might very well be alone when I say I’m going to miss France at this World Cup. I suspect, however, that there are plenty out there who feel the same.

Obviously I don’t mean I’ll miss them on the football pitch. Despite their array of talented players they simply didn’t function as a team. Much of this is, of course, down to Raymond Domenech, football’s most hilariously awful manager. Normally someone who manages a national team of the stature of France can pick and choose his next job. Who in their right mind would offer him a position after seeing the way he lost control and was scorned, ridiculed and humiliated by his own players? Not even Liverpool would be that desperate.

What I’ll miss about them is the wonderfully surreal and almost always hilarious soap opera that surrounded them. From that night in Paris when Thierry Henry’s handball set up the winner for William Gallas it’s as if the karma police have been taking revenge, a death of a thousand small cuts. I said cuts.

As an Irishman I never bought into the outcry that surrounded the handball. They happen all the time in football and the lengths to which the English presssed whipped up the anti-French and anti-Henry hysteria was laughable. Where was the condemnation of Luis Fabiano’s just as deliberate handball against the Ivory Coast? Double standards doesn’t even come close.

And as an Irishman living in a country plagued by corruption, a financial scandal that has seen the tax payer cough up for the gambles taken by speculators and property developers, enabled by an incompetent, hapless, crooked government, the fact that there was a protest march over a handball in a football game while we allowed ourselves to be financially ridden up the jacksy for decades to come makes me laugh. It’s a bitter laugh but a laugh nonetheless.

Evra was unhappy at the breakfast croissants throughout the tournament

Yet the French revolution at this World Cup has been pure entertainment. The talk of traitors in the camp, Nicolas Anelka becoming the French Roy Keane and telling his manager exactly what he thought of him, bust-ups, fights on the training ground, resignations, refusal to train, whispers of player power, clear evidence of player power, Domenech leaving players like Nasri and Benzema behind, and eventually the shitstorm reaching such epic proportions that the French government are involved.

I can’t imagine Mr and Mrs Sarkozy are too pleased at being torn away from their Parisian swingers parties to deal with a bunch of egocentric footballers who have effectively nobbled their own tournament because of their personal animus towards the coach. It’s marvellous.

And Domenech – what can you say? Instead of going out with a bit of quiet dignity he made himself look even more foolish with his refusal to shake the hand of Carlos Alberto Parreira at the end of yesterday’s game. It’s no less than he deserves and I bet his horoscope never told him this was coming.

The whole thing has been wonderfully absurd. Anything, and I mean anything, was possible the longer they stayed in the tournament. Instead they go home, booked into economy class by the French FA, to meet the public who, despite knowing things were difficult, had a right to expect their team to behave in a professional manner while representing their country.

The apologies have started, the finger pointing is yet to come, and hopefully the fallout from their World Cup debacle will be just as entertaining as their time in it.

Outside favourites Holland, who huffed and puffed to a 2-0 win over Denmark v hard working Japan who beat a hapless Cameroon.

Could be fun.  Join Hogger and I from 12.15pm for live blogging and comment – feel free to join in. The more the merrier.

WINNERS

Alexis Sachez
The Chilean winger looked like a man on a mission to bring some creativity and flair to a tournament which had been lacking in attacking verve.  A 1-0 thrashing, if such a thing exists, promptly ensued.

Ottmar Hitzfeld
‘Der General’ led his Swiss troops to a remarkable victory over favourites Spain.  His team were so organised that I’m starting to wonder if the series of ricochets that led to Gelson’s goal were planned too.

Diego Forlan
The first player to reach the heady heights of scoring two goals at this World Cup, Forlan was impeccable as Uruguay trounced the hosts.  As he waited to smash home the crucial penalty kick, his cold eyes recalled those of a man about to shoot a puppy.  And enjoy it.

Diego Perez
For all Forlan’s flair, Uruguay’s victory was also down to the incredible work-rate of AS Monaco holding midfielder Diego Perez.  Forlan shot the puppy, but Perez had beaten it in to submission first*.

LOSERS

Spain
Slumped to defeat against the Swiss.  The omens aren’t good: no side has ever lost their opening game then gone on to win the World Cup.  Turns out Iker Casillas’ girlfriend is to blame.

Gigi Buffon
The poor goalkeeping at the World Cup won’t be lent a £33m helping hand with the news that Gigi Buffon could miss the rest of the tournament.

Yoann Gourcuff
Criticised by the fans, alienated by the squad, and seemingly on the verge of being dropped from the starting XI, Gourcuff has now started speaking only through an intermediary: Lyon midfielder, Jeremy Toulalan.  The weirdness might be excused if he was playing well.  He’s not.

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Got a different view?  Add your own winners and losers below.

*no puppies were harmed in the writing of this blog

Join us from 2.45 for more live blogging and commentary on what we hope is going to be a decent game at last. This is the final ‘first game’ of the tournament, fingers crossed it’s better than all the rest (although I’d be happy for Chile v Honduras to make it difficult for them).

Hogger and I will be here from 2.45.

Brazil huffed and puffed last night against a well disciplined and hard working North Korea. The winning margin was far less than many had anticipated and the Brazilians looked laboured at times. Yet they produced two of the best moments of the World Cup so far.

Robinho’s incisive pass for Elano to score Brazil’s second was one of the most creative we’ve seen and the opening goal from Maicon was a thing of real beauty. The full back made countless runs down Brazil’s right hand side and when he was played in by Elano it looked as if a cross was the only option.

Not so. He hammered home a brilliant shot between the keeper and the near post. Quite deliberate, in my view, and immediately commentators spoke of Marco van Basten v Russia. Then they wondered if he meant it. Even now public opinion is divided. A poll on the Guardian has the Ayes at 55%, the Nays at 45%, yet it’s not the first time Maicon has scored a goal like this.

For me though it was a wonderfully instinctive piece of football and definitely the goal of the tournament so far. That it was difficult is beyond question, the fact that it went in means it wasn’t the ‘impossible angle’ the doubters have been talking about. Maicon deserves credit for bucking the safety first trend of this World Cup. He could have hit the side netting or put it out for a throw on the other side and been criticised for not playing more sensibly, but when we see a footballer do something as extravagantly brilliant as that we should rise to applaud, not cast doubt.

When Dennis Bergkamp scored his incredible goal against Newcastle there were the same questions. Did you really mean to do that? Bergkamp’s answer, ‘of course’. And why should we doubt him?

My cap is well and truly doffed to Maicon this morning. There are those who may never believe he meant to do what he did. And I feel a bit sorry for them, writing his goal off as a fluke means they didn’t enjoy it nearly as much as I did. And in this World Cup we can’t afford to be too choosy.

Will Drogba play with his bionic arm? Now that Nani is gone will Ronaldo add extra stepovers? Did everyone just come to see Eboue?

These questions, and other ridiculous ones, will be answered from 2.45pm as threeandin‘s world cup live blogs continue.

From 12.15 join Hogger and I for live blogging of Holland v Denmark. Tulips or Bacon? Surely the biggest question the football world faces today.

World Cup live blogging on threeandin