Three and in – not just another football blog

Lawrence Gray-Hodson

Threeandin is proud to welcome a man who made his name in the upper reaches of Division 2 in the 1970s and 80s as well as being a Scotland and England international, Lawrence Gray-Hodson.

He’ll write exclusively for us as the season progresses, dealing with all the issues the domestic game throws up. In his first column though he looks back to the World Cup.

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When you’ve been around the game of football for as long as I have there’s very little that surprises you. Let me tell you, I’ve seen things in dressing rooms and around the back of nightclubs that wouldn’t make the back pages in a million years. It makes the idea of Gazza turning up with chicken and lager for a mentally disturbed murderer seem downright normal.

That’s why, after the World Cup final, I had to laugh at the people who jumped on their ivory towers and looked for the immoral high ground when it came to pundits reactions to the game. There was a lot of focus on how rough the Dutch were. I watched the game with Rodney Marsh and Stan Bowles and, over a few jars of sangria in Marbella, we chuckled away to ourselves about how times have changed. You think Holland played dirty? You were never on the end of a Johnny Giles reducer or a Peter Storey fisting.

Compared to the games we played in the men in orange were like precious ballerinas handing out flowers and lemon cakes to the Spanish. This new breed of fan who thinks he’s so clever because he has a blog audience of a few dozen and some backslapping followers on Twitter just doesn’t understand the game of football at all. Sure, they can talk about diamonds this and pyramids that, deep lying midfielders and false 9s but you talk to any ex-pro and they’ll tell you none of those things matter at all.

The reality of the game is out there on the pitch, the 22 men doing battle with each other. You don’t see any of them out there with text books, do you? Of course not. Books are for libraries and the decent class of waiting room that doesn’t lumber you with months old issues of Time or Reader’s Digest.

That’s why when they accuse British pundits, who everybody knows are the best pundits in the world because we invented the game and have been talking about it longer than anyone, of double-standards it makes me want to choke them on my own vomit. I lost count of how many times I heard them say great men like Alan Hansen and Andy Townsend were hypocrites for criticising the Dutch’s foul play while saying nothing about teams who play like that in the English league.

Are they stupid or what? They simply don’t get it. If they can’t see there’s a difference between foreign brutality and British brutality then they need to open their eyes. Sure, some foreigners think they can kick opponents as hard as we can, maybe that’s true, but they do it differently. They’re sly, underhand, devious and full of trickery. I remember playing an away game in Italy back in the 70s and the minute the ref’s back was turned they would literally gouge your eyes out. Poor Wilf Mortenson ended up playing the second half with an eye-patch on just so no bits of mud would get into the socket.

Not us though. We wouldn’t stoop to their level and if we had to go in two footed on somebody we made sure it was in full view of the officials. That’s the difference. That’s what sets the English game apart and that’s why it curdles my loins when people accuse the likes of Ryan Shawcross and Martin Taylor of being monsters. There was nothing devious about what they did, there was nothing nasty and foreign, it was good, old fashioned, honest British brutality, in the best traditions of the game.

Did they get red cards? Of course. They took their punishment like men, unlike the sneaky, whinging immigrant de Jong or van Bommel who wouldn’t have lasted two minutes on the field with Chopper Harris or Trevor Cherry. As for their so-called victims, well they show their mettle by running off scared to places like Ukraine, which in my day didn’t even exist!

So when Hansen and Co criticise the Dutch for what they did, it’s not hypocrisy. It’s bravery. They’re trying to maintain the standards of the game in these fair isles. Everything else has been homogenised by the EEC, or the EU as they like to be called now, don’t let our football go the same way.

I pray that the bosses at the BBC and ITV, who know more about the game than the plebs who watch it week in, week out, don’t succumb to the populist notion that these men are bad for the game. Nobody wants to see a player get his leg broken – except for Billy Bremner, he loved that – but serious injury is part of the game, always has been, always will be. Perhaps it will take going through a season without the spectacle of a man trying to hold his leg together to make these idiots realise what they’re missing.

Let’s hope that never happens.

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Lawrence will be happy to answer any questions regarding the article, or anything else, in the comments section!

A little overdue – this write-up looks at the semi-finals and the pointless yet entertaining third/fourth play-off.

WINNERS

Diego Forlan
A loser in the semis but a winner across the tournament.  Almost certainly the single individual who has exerted the greatest influence over his side.  Two more great goals take his total to five, and his reputation to an unprecedented high.

Carles Puyol
Scored the crucial goal in the semi, but was also extremely solid at the back to deny a freescoring Germany side.

Wesley Sneijder
Might just be wondering if his name is on the Golden Boot after another jammy goal against Uruguay.  Sneijder had an extraordinary domestic campaign with Inter, and if he can help Holland lift the World Cup at the third attempt then he’ll be the favourite to win World Footballer of the Year.  And, more importantly, he’ll have pissed off Real Madrid something mighty.

LOSERS

Miroslav Klose
Quiet in the semi and injured for the third-place play-off, Klose failed to score the one goal required to match the all-time World Cup record held by the original and fatter Ronaldo.

Fernando Muslera
Uruguay’s keeper was beaten from long-range twice against Holland, then made a hash of a simple cross against Germany to gift Marcell Jansen a goal.

Fernando Torres
Dropped for the semi and denied a simple tap-in by Pedro’s selfishness when brought on as a sub.  It will hurt a player of his quality to begin on the bench tonight.

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The biggest winners and losers of this World Cup might yet be decided today.  Come back tomorrow to see who they are.

Well, let’s nail our colours to the mast for Sunday’s game. Many of us are neutrals who just want to see a good game of football.

However, I am firmly on the side of the Dutch. Here are the 5 reasons why.

1978 – The first game of football I can vividly remember watching as a young boy and I was up for Holland. I was underneath my Dad’s chair and I remember hurting my head when Rensenbrink hit the post in the final minute when he should have scored the goal to win the tournament.

Instead it went to injury time, goals from Mario Kempes and Daniel Bertoni won it for the hosts and I was absolutely gutted. Here we are 32 years later and I can still feel the pain. And I’m not Dutch. And yes, I really do bear a grudge.

Robin van Persie – As an Arsenal fan I want to see Arsenal players do well. I know Cesc is in the Spanish squad but he’s hardly played and anyway, he’s Catalan, like those other fake Spaniards from Barcelona. Robin’s had a quiet enough tournament in terms of goals but has done a lot of good work up top. I hope he scores the winner.

Xavi - sharp dresser, smooth footballer

Xavi – Yeah, we know you’re good, you don’t have to keep showing us in every game, do you? The pint sized Steve van Zandt lookalike is a quite remarkable player, I’ve got no problem admitting that, but his obsession with the DNA of Cesc Fabregas is irritating beyond belief.

Spanish workmen – I lived in Spain for a number of years (or Catalunya if we’re going to apply the same standards as in the Robin van Persie bit) and loved it. Great place, lots of sunshine, cheap beer, spirits and wine and warm sea. Wonderful.

Until something breaks. Then you have to go about the business of hiring a Spanish workman. When discussing time of arrival “in the morning” can be anywhere from 8am to 4pm in the afternoon. And “tomorrow” can mean any day within three weeks of the conversation.

They’re quick enough to land you with the bill when the job is finished, or more often than not half-finished. I’ve dealt with electricians, car repair people, plumbers, builders, carpenters and motorbike mechanics and if I thought I could get away with it I’d crucify each one of them for the pain they put me through.

Told you I’m a grudge king, didn’t I?

Sergio Ramos – Perhaps it’s petty of me but there’s just something about his face, particularly when he’s happy, that gets on my nerves. Imagine how happy he’d be if Spain won the World Cup?

He’d be smiling his smile with face and his mouth and his teeth and that floppy hair and I just don’t think I could cope with that. Sure, I could turn the TV off and forget about it as I have no real vested interest in the game, but I don’t want to listen to common sense and reason.

I’m a football fan, since when did either of those two things have any place in the game? I’m sorry but I want to see him weep. Or if not that just looking really sad would do. I don’t want to be greedy.

Bonus reason: In Spain I used to work with a Dutch bloke who called himself ‘Puk’.

‘What kind of a name is Puk?’, I asked him one day.

‘Oh, I just called myself that because my real name is so terrible’.

‘Really? Worse than Puk?’

‘Yeah’.

‘What is it’.

‘Remco’.

‘Fair play to you, Rimjob. You did the right thing’.

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So there you, my five reasons why I want Holland to win. Feel free to let us know who your favourite is and why.

Holland are an interesting team in this World Cup. They’ve got some wonderful attacking talent which, despite the run to the final, hasn’t quite clicked as of yet.

Robin van Persie has only one goal to his name but in general his performances as the lone centre-forward have been decent. He holds it up much better than you would expect, his passing and movement has been excellent, and a lot of his work allows the others to flourish.

Sneijder and Robben have scored goals and troubled nearly every defence they’ve played against. Kuyt is the definition of a workhorse but he really does put in a great deal of running in the forward positions which allows the Dutch to pressure opposition defences. They have van der Vaart on the bench along with the exciting Elia, there’s Babel and Affelay watching on and in the final third they’ve got as much as anyone.

Their defensive weakness, however, means once you go back from the front positions Holland need to be different. The right full, van der Wiel, has had a good tournament and van Bronckhorst’s goal last night was a beautiful thing, yet missed by many was the vicious foul by Marc van Bommel in the build up. More on him anon.

Heitinga and Mathijsen are decent enough centre-halves but there’s no de Boer, no Koeman, no real class at the centre of their defence and it’s been exposed well at times. Felipe Melo, hardly known for his incisive passing, split the Dutch wide open to set up Robinho in the quarter-final. Whichever of Germany or Spain wins through to meet the Dutch on Sunday that’s where they’ll set their sights.

Both of them, in my opinion, have better movement up front than Brazil and both of them have better distrubutors of the ball from midfield. So, with Nigel de Jong back from suspension and ready to partner Mark van Bommel I think it’s easy to see how Holland will try to counter their opponents attempts to breach their backline.

There’s a very thin line between tough tackling and outright thuggery and while I have a soft spot for the Dutch in general I don’t think it’s unfair to say that both de Jong and van Bommel have crossed that line more than once in this World Cup. Both of them have been very lucky not to see red, some of their opponents very lucky not to have suffered serious injury from tackles which were not just reckless or mis-timed, but deliberately nasty.

"What? Me?!"

We’re talking two footed, over the ball, standing leg challenges. I won’t call them tackles because it’s clear there was no intention of playing the ball. Now, I love the physical aspect of football as much as anyone. I deplore the diving culture and the way that so many good tackles are penalised because of player’s theatrics. However, the cynical, dangerous fouling by de Jong and van Bommel really is going too far the other way.

That they’ve managed to get away with it for the most part amazes me. I can’t believe referees didn’t see de Jong’s atrocious foul on Denmark’s Martin Jorgensen in the first game and mark his card in subsequent matches. That van Bommel got through the Brazil game without a booking is nothing short of a miracle. Or a scandal if you want to point fingers at referees who have allowed him to kick, stamp and foul his way through the tournament until he picked up his first booking last night … and that was for dissent in the 90th minute.

When you see some of the bookings handed out it beggars belief. How on earth was Miroslav Klose sent off for two yellow card offences while neither of the Dutch midfielders have been similarly punished? Not that I’m looking for more sendings off, just more consistency in the refereeing.

I don’t want to suggest that a Dutch victory, should they win the final, would be tainted. Bert van Marwijk deserves a lot of credit for making them tough to beat and for their record in 2010 which is ten wins out of ten. Their attacking players have performed well and are capable of fantastic stuff but players like de Jong and van Bommel leave a bitter taste in the mouth.

Yes, they have a job to do. Yes, they need to be destructive, physical and tough, but too often they’ve crossed the line and I hope that is not the case in the final. They’ve both got away with so much up till now I’m slightly fearful what they might consider acceptable, especially with the stakes so high.

Let’s hope, come Sunday night, we’re discussing the brilliance of the final as an open game of football and not the consequences of thuggery which, until now, we’ve been lucky to escape.

Outside favourites Holland, who huffed and puffed to a 2-0 win over Denmark v hard working Japan who beat a hapless Cameroon.

Could be fun.  Join Hogger and I from 12.15pm for live blogging and comment – feel free to join in. The more the merrier.

It is with a heavy heart that we have to announce the sudden closure of  Bobby’s Box Office Ltd.

Md, CEO and Marketing Officer Bobby ‘Golden Seats’ Earle was unavailable for comment when our reporter pushed his way past Serious Fraud Squad Officers and knocked at his caravan office door earlier this afternoon.

“Following claims by FIFA that official 2010 World Cup tickets may have been used for ambush marketing, ITV has reviewed its entire ticket allocation for the tournament.

“Immediate investigations indicated that a block of ITV tickets would appear to have been used for unauthorised purposes during the Holland v Denmark match.

“Further enquiries have revealed that a substantial number of tickets allocated to Robbie Earle for family and friends have been passed to a third party in breach of FIFA rules.

“As a result, Robbie Earle’s contract with ITV has been terminated with immediate effect.”

WINNERS

Paraguay
Having assembled what many believe to be their finest ever squad, Paraguay began their tournament with a commendable 1-1 draw with reigning Champions Italy – all while their supposed star strikers, Oscar Cardozo and Roque Santa Cruz, spent the majority of the game on the bench.

Vuvuzelas
FIFA announced yesterday that the plastic trumpets will not be banned from the World Cup. In fact, they went one further, alluding to future world domination:

“Let us not make this a South Africa instrument alone. A vuvuzela is now an international instrument. People buy them and stuff them in their suitcase to go home.”

There will be no escape. The world’s biggest hornets nest has been disturbed, and it’s going to buzz in to eternity.

Eljero Elia
The Hamburg winner enlivened an otherwise dull dutch performance with a display of such speed and trickery that you wondered why Arjen Robben’s injury hadn’t made him an automatic starter. Couple of Elia facts for the uninitiated: his first name is a tribute to jazz singer ‘Al Jarreau’ (it works phonetically in dutch, apparently), and he got the Dutch team banned from twitter after being a bit racist about Moroccans in a live stream.  Join today’s liveblog of Ivory v Portugal to see if we’re accidentally racist.

LOSERS

Paul Le Guen
Note: Jose Mourinho only played Samuel Eto’o on the right wing because he also had Diego Milito.  You have Pierre Webo.  It is not the same.

Justo Villar
The Paraguay keeper will be Justly Villified in his own country for joining the World Cup’s roll-call of rubbish goalkeeping and handing Italy an equaliser.

Stephane Lannoy
L’annoying about this French referee of the Holland v Denmark game was his propensity to miss some very nasty challenges.  Nigel de Jong and Greg van der Wiel were luckiest to escape serious censure.

Simon Poulsen
Score an own goal in a crucial World Cup tie and people will feel sorry for you.  Laugh about it in the immediate aftermath, and sympathy for your Ian Walkery-self will soon evaporate.

From 12.15 join Hogger and I for live blogging of Holland v Denmark. Tulips or Bacon? Surely the biggest question the football world faces today.

World Cup live blogging on threeandin

Hogger’s Predictions

Winners?

A year ago I said Brazil would beat Spain in the final and I’m gonna stick to my guns.  Spain have an incredibly talented squad, by the far the best in tournament, but I have a sneaky feeling that Dunga’s well-drilled foot-soldiers will come to the fore.

Dark horses?

Holland.  A fresh Robin van Persie has the potential to be one of the stars of the tournament, and a supporting cast including Robben, Sneijder, Afellay and Elia means they can’t be ignored.  Obviously they can’t defend and presumably all hate each other, but y’know.

Team to flop?

France.  Last year’s finalists have some very talented players but seem to be riddled with in-fighting and managed by a man so contrary he makes Mary look quite conformist.  I think they could well go out of what looks on paper to be an easy group.

Golden boot?

Luis Fabiano.

Player of the tournament?

Attacking full-backs are all the rage, and I wonder if that will continue this summer: Maicon.

Rising star?

Ajax and Holland’s overlapping right-back Gregory van der Wiel.

Player to flop?

Cristiano Ronaldo.  Please.

Maradona: Genius or Mentalist?

Proper mentalist.  His ‘four centre-backs + loads of stocky attackers’ formation will be more entertaining than effective.  They’re blessed with an easy group and Messi might bail them out, but even so a place in the final looks beyond them.  Maradona will certainly provide some of the tournament’s biggest talking points, whatever happens.

Last Man Back’s Predictions

Winners?

Spain – they just have so much attacking ability and such a strong squad. Defensively they’re very sound and when you add Torres, Xavi, Iniesta, Fabregas, Silva and Villa to any team you’ve got goals, goals, goals. I think the Euro win has laid to rest Spain’s big tournament weakness. This is the best generation of Spanish footballers ever, they know how to win domestically, in Europe and I think they’ll win the World Cup.

Dark horses?

Holland – I say this because of their like-clockwork implosion at major tournaments. There’s no doubting their attacking prowess. Robin van Persie, Arjen Robben, Wesley Sneijder and Rafael van der Vaart are top class and will trouble the best teams and probably obliterate the lesser lights. The key to their success lies in at the back. Can they remain solid? If so, and if a defensive star or two emerges, they could do it.

Team to flop?

Brazil. I know Dunga has them well organised and you should never write them off in the World Cup, I just don’t feel it with them this time around. Important players are coming into the tournament on the back of poor domestic seasons, Kaka in particular, and I think they could go out early.

Golden boot?

David Villa or Robin van Persie.

Player of the tournament?

Cesc Fabregas

Rising star?

I’m excited to see if the hype around Angel di Maria is justified and Slovakia’s Marek Hamsik is another to keep an eye out for.

Player to flop?

John Terry

Maradona: Genius or Mentalist?

A gentalist. He’s clearly quite mad, and very often the best players make poor managers, you just wonder if the madness might be a bit liberating for the Argentine players. If things go wrong they know the fingers will be pointed at him and his crazy ways. I think they’ll be fun to watch though!

The Magic Sponge’s Predictions

Winners?

Very difficult to see who will stop Spain. Perhaps it will be a referee or a knife wielding manic interrupted stealing stuff from their hotel room.

Dark horses?

Croatia. Only kidding. I think USA may cause a few upsets. They can actually play football these days.

Team to flop?

England. All those cheap flags, decking and stuff stuck on the front of houses will only anger the football gods.

Golden boot?

David Villa. Or another player with dark hair. I’m unconvinced a blonde will get it.

Player of the tournament?

Hopefully Aaron Lennon, but far more likely to be a player from a side that goes beyond the Group stages.

Rising star?

Look out for Michael Dawson. He reminds me of Pike out of Dads Army.

Player to flop?

There will be many sacrificed on the football alter in the coming month. My suspicion is the first blood will be that of cheats. So maybe we’ll see John Terry taped sniffing some of his dad’s gear off the back of Henry’s hand, or Maradona’s bottom.

Maradona: Genius or Mentalist?

Out to f*cking lunch, baby. Watch out for some eye catching substitutions. Like him taking off their goalie and replacing him with a Pantomime horse.