Three and in – not just another football blog

If the noises coming out of South America* are to be believed, we are on the eve of the retirement of one of football’s greats.

After a weekend in which we drooled over a wonder strike from Wayne Rooney, the footballing fraternity prepares to bid farewell to a man who scored goals of such audacious quality on a fairly regular basis.

Forwards are often divided in to two categories: great goalscorers, and scorers of great goals. Ronaldo was undoubtedly both.

Yes, in his latter years he piled on the pounds. There was more gelato than golazo. But fat is temporary; class is permanent.

Kevyn Doran on Vimeo has put together this rather exhaustive retrospective. Take a glance at a career littered with goals.

*not all of the noises, of course. As continents go, it’s fairly noisy. But some of the noises, particularly those on twitter. Which don’t really make any actual audible noise. But you know what I mean.

Pablo Aurrecochea is a Uruguayan goalkeeper. He is 29 years old, and currently plays for Paraguayan Primera Division side Guaraní.  All of this is fairly uninteresting, until you actually see the man in action.  Aurrecochea is the most flamboyantly dressed goalkeeper in football.

Over the years, he’s had some competition.  Goalkeepers are famously eccentric, and their idiosyncratic personalities have often been reflected in some truly bizarre kits.  England fans will remember David Seaman taking to the field in Euro 96, dressed as a gigantic packet of Refreshers:

As recently as this season, Edwin van der Sar has attempted to strike terror in to spheksophobic strikers (Google it) with this waspish number:

Frankly, their efforts are positively shoddy compared to Aurrecochea.  On the back of some advice from his wife (our sources are yet to confirm whether she is Trinny or Susannah), the Guarani goal-minder decided to introduce his passion for cartoons in to his colourful kits.  The results have been spectacular:

The funny thing is, Aurrecochea is also quite good. His side claimed the Paraguayan title last year, and he was named as the league’s best shot-stopper. That was not his finest achievement, however: on one glorious day last August, Aurrecochea responded to a signal in the night sky by donning the necessary garb to become ‘Bat-Goleiro’.

Premier League keepers: watch and learn.

I will not be satisfied until I see Petr Cech’s hat replaced with Thor’s winged helmet, Brad Friedel donning the Captain America attire, and Lukasz Fabianski take to the field in the iconic Iron Man suit.

In the meantime, I raise my mug of coffee to the utter mentalness of goalkeepers, South American football, and a man called Pablo who dresses as a superhero for work. And not just because he’s not allowed to see his kids.

So the Argentine Football Association had to go and spoil everyone’s fun by announcing the end of Diego Maradona’s reign as national coach.  The circus will not come to Brazil 2014.

In an tournament where many of the most heralded players failed to turn up, Maradona proved to be the star of South Africa 2010 from the sidelines.  His shabby suit, touchline histrionics and unpredictable selections both baffled and amused, whilst the sheer force of his personality (plus a little help from Lionel Messi) looked at once stage as if it might propel Argentina all the way to the trophy.  Sadly, it wasn’t to be.  Argentina were undone by Germany, and Maradona said goodbye to South Africa.  He’s now departed the world of international football, leaving behind him a trail of weeping fans, clamouring reporters, and unbelievable anecdotes.

It does leave you wondering what Maradona will choose to do with the remainder of his life.  He’s only 49 – managing Argentina at a World Cup was probably the pinnacle of his non-playing career.  So what next for Diego?

TV Presenter
In 2005, Maradona achieved critical acclaim in Argentina for presenting ‘El Noche del 10′ – a show that saw him interview Zidane, Mike Tyson, and Pele among others.  With the BBC looking to replace Wossy, Maradona is believed to have joined Patrick Kielty and Paddy McGuinness among the front-runners.  Imagine his banter with Four Poofs & A Piano.

Politics
Maradona’s commitment to the leftist cause is strong.  He’s pals with Fidel Castro – but not many of us also have our pals’ face tattooed on to our leg.  He’s also chummy with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, and said on Chavez’s own tv station in 2007:

“I hate everything that comes from the United States.  I hate it with all my strength.  Especially Landon Donovan.”

I may have made the last part of that up.  But it seems likely.

Religious deity
You may think it’s 2010.  You’re wrong: according to the Church of Maradona we’re currently in the Year 49 DD – después de Diego.  The church was founded in 1998 in Rosario.  Their ten commandments, in all seriousness, are as follows:

1. The ball must not be stained, as D10S has proclaimed
2. Love football over all things
3. Declare your unconditional love of football
4. Defend the colours of Argentina
5. Preach the words of D10S all over the world
6. Pray in the temples where he preached and on his sacred mantles
7. Dont proclaim the name of Diego in name of an only club.
8. Follow the teachings of the Maradonian Church
9. Let Diego be thy name, and thy one of your children
10. “No ser cabeza de termo y que no se te escape la tortuga.” (Meaning “don’t be a hothead and don’t let the turtle escape you”)

Above all, never let the turtle escape you.  Rumours that Krang and Shredder were members of the Iglesia Maradoniana are as yet unconfirmed.

Football management
Many thought Argentina would embarrass themselves in South Africa, but their passage to the quarter-finals was relatively serene.  Granted, they have an incredibly talented squad, though there are many managers who specialise in motivating players who don’t require much technical improvement.  Maradona could certainly earn a few quid coaching in the middle east (the MLS is probably out of the question), but I wonder if an Argentina club side – his beloved Boca, for example – might also consider gambling on the madman turned entrenador.

Perhaps he’ll elect to simply bide his time and wait for the AFA’s call.  There is a sense of unfinished business about Maradona’s time with Argentina.  If things go badly for the new coach there, if the country needs a lift, then there’s only one man they can turn to.  A man who loves football over all things, and who never lets the turtle escape him: Diego Maradona.

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Your own suggestions for Diego are welcome.  Though I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to pass them on.

Brazilian midfielder Felipe Melo has revealed he named his son after one of England’s most prolific strikers, Gary Lineker. He said:

I gave that name to my son because I find it very beautiful, different… and an honour. He was a great player, a big name in the national team of England and in the history of the English national team.

So what odds on Gary Melo following in his fathers footsteps and playing for Brazil one day?

What? It’s not Gary Melo? Really? But I thought …. no! You’re kidding? REALLY?! You’re sure? Pfff, fair enough then.

So what odds on Lineker Melo following in his fathers footsteps and playing for Brazil one day?

Lineker Melo? Oh dear. Let’s hope this doesn’t become a fashion in Brazil. Can you imagine the descendents of the current crop playing in the 2030 World Cup?

Hately Silva. Woodcock Cesar. Heskey Fabiano. Shearer Baptista.

Life is so troubling sometimes.

Bolivian football channels Street Fighter II. It’s a few months old but doing the rounds.