Three and in – not just another football blog

One of the stars of this summer’s World Cup, Siphiwe Tshabalala, could be set for a move to English football with the news he’s due to arrive for a trial period at Nottingham Forest.  His agent says:

“There were a couple of Premier League teams who showed an interest but they took too long to get back to me,” he said.

We had to go for the first assessment that we were offered because there is only a limited amount of time for the deal to be done but at least he will be there in the eyes of the UK football scene.

He’s very excited – like all players, he wants to play at the highest level and Siphiwe showed at the World Cup he is capable of that.”

You’ll remember Tshabalala for his stunning goal which opened the World Cup in earnest.  Now, Tshabalala’s arrival would hold particular excitement for me.  Having spent some time out in South Africa last summer (which you can read more about here), a mate and I were lucky enough to bump in to the pocket-sized winger.

I should point out at this juncture that I have doctored this photo to protect this man from the shame of being identified as my friend.  He does not suffer from a hideous facial deformity.  Or, if he does, it’s not the one that the photoshopped image would have you believe.

Anyway, we met in glamorous circumstances: a service station.  Tshabalala was on the road to the semi-final in Durban, and had presumably stopped off for the motorway essentials of petrol and fried chicken.  When we bumped in to him, he had just made a little boy cry by giving him his shorts.  It’s less weird than it sounds.

He seemed to be a pleasant enough guy.  But a word of warning to excited Forest fans: when I asked around about the chances of Tshabalala moving to Europe, many were doubtful about his willingness to ditch the party boy lifestyle he was famous for in Johannesburg.  He has quite the reputation for enjoying the city’s varied nightlife.

Still, if it did happen, it’d certainly be interesting.  From Bafana Bafana to Burnley and Barnsley, and all in a matter of months.

Radio Free Asia reported last week that North Korea’s World Cup team were subjected to a public barracking upon their return from South Africa. Threeandin wonders how such a story might read if the same fate had awaited England…

England’s national football team were given a marathon public reprimand after a disastrous World Cup campaign, including a 1-4 rout at the hands of Germany that has been blamed on leader Fabio Capello’s inept orders, Radio Five Live reported Monday.

Citing unnamed English sources, 5Live said the team were made to stand on a stage outside the FA’s Soho headquarters, just three days after they returned from South Africa, and subjected to ideological criticism for six hours.

Around 400 prominent English football personalties, including Marlon Harewood and Louise Redknapp, as well other athletes and sport students, were apparently part of the audience. Andy Townsend, the former Englishman, pointed out the mistakes of each player from a specially deployed “tactics truck”.

Individuals were targeted by the baying crowd. Emile Heskey was made to wear a pair of false donkey ears, whilst David James was forced to sign a contract with Championship side Bristol City. Shaun Wright-Phillips is expected to undertake community service as a garden gnome, and former captain John Terry has been sentenced to a lifetime’s monogamy. Jamie Carragher was exempt from the session, on account of the fact that his nationality is officially registered as ‘Scouse’.

Manager Fabio Capello did not escape criticism: the FA’s Trevor Brooking stole his glasses and chanted “speccy speccy four eyes” as the coach wept in to Franco Baldini’s ample bosom.

An English intelligence source said, “In the past, English athletes and coaches who performed badly were criticised in the press and obliged to make poorly scripted pizza adverts. Considering the high hopes English had for the World Cup, the regime could have done worse things to the team than just reprimand them for their ideological shortcomings. They could have made them be pundits for ITV.”

Hello guys.  Or, as the Saffers would cheerfully say, “Howzit oaks”.  (Grammar fans: be not alarmed.  Although ‘Howzit’ would appear to constitute a compressed question, it has come to lose that linguistic inflection.  See: ‘Wassup’ (US) for similar.)

After 24 hours of travel, 23 of which were accompanied by a screaming child, I am back in England, ready to share with you my findings from my African sojourn.

It’s perfectly safe.  Sort of.
“The media over-exaggerate the danger,” we were told.  “It’s perfectly safe.”

“Just be sure to never leave your house on foot.  Or get out of the car.  I wouldn’t leave the windows open, either.  And lock the doors.”

Turns out it is perfectly safe, as long as you’re surrounded at all times by concrete, metal, and probably some kind of electrified security system.

In that respect, it’s one of the most claustrophobic places I’ve ever been.  I live in London, where the expense of public transport and my inability to drive mean I walk or cycle everywhere.  I’m sure I would have been just fine had I done the same in Johannesburg, but there is such a deep-rooted and understandable climate of fear that even the suggestion seemed preposterous.

Everything has its price
And almost everything is negotiable.  It’s like a meeting with Harry Redknapp: you’re never quite sure what the total cost of anything is going to be, and where on Earth that money might end up.

Example: my fellow travellers and I booked a private tour of Soweto for 450 Rand.  It looked a good deal – until, that is, we realised the tour would consist of largely of being taken round the tour guide’s various local friends, being strongly encouraged to tip them for having a look at their street.  Final cost: 800 Rand.

They have politically incorrect chocolate
If there was one nation where a chocolate bar suggestive of a possible racial hierarchy would be inappropriate, it’s South Africa.

And yet, against all odds, I give you Cadbury’s Top Deck:

They love their ‘soccer’
Prior to the World Cup, football was regarded as a ‘black sport’.  A white face at an Orlando Pirates game was a rarity.  Despite that, the English Premier League has long been popular across race, social class, and background.  Nearly everyone we met had a favourite English side, with Man United and Liverpool dominating.

The only shame is that the World Cup fever will not translate in to a boom for South African soccer.  A lovely woman I met at a braai (an Afrikaans word for ‘barbecue’ that the South Africans use in one of their many attempts to differentiate themselves from Aussies) exemplified the prevailing attitude among white South Africans:

“I was never in to soccer before but I’ve enjoyed the World Cup so much that I’m going to watch all the Premier League games when the new season starts.”

They have a Big Five, not a Big Four
In England we obsess about the Big Four of United, Chelsea, Liverpool and Arsenal.  In South Africa they’re positively nonchalant about the presence of their Big Five: Rhino, Leopard, Elephant, Lion and Buffalo.  I saw the latter three on a mind-blowing trip to the Kruger National Park.  When a 17ft giraffe wonders out across the road in front of you it’s all you can do to stop humming the Jurassic Park theme music.

The roles of Man City and Spurs are played by the cheetah and wild dog – pushing for entry in to the Big Five but not quite taken seriously enough.

It’s a nation in recovery
Although the country is clearly in an infinitely better position than twenty years ago, the ghost of Apartheid still haunts South Africa.  It’s a rainbow nation, but it’s predominantly a black and white rainbow, with distinct bands of colour and little room for blurring.  The unified joy with which the World Cup was greeted will play a role in increasing national morale, but the cost of the world class stadiums still outweigh the investment in basic housing for the country’s poorest people.

They are extraordinarily warm people
In spite of any underlying socio-political problems, about which I concede I’m not remotely qualified to talk with any authority, the people of South Africa welcomed fans from across the world with warmth, generosity and excitement.  This is not a country who are used to having such diverse groups in such huge numbers descend upon them – they appreciated the fans, and did all they could to make their stay as much fun as possible.  Almost to a man, they asked, “Will you come back?”  They wanted to change the perception of their country, and I think they managed it.  There’ve been better World Cups, but there can’t have been many better hosts.

Now that the show is well and truly over what will be the lasting impact of this World Cup?

Will it be in South Africa which has spent a fortune on hosting the tournment? Probably not. 355,000 unsold tickets, 450,000 unbooked hotel rooms and the problems the host nation have, masked as they were by the greatest show on earth, become ‘real life’ again.

From a footballing perspective is there much to take from it? Not a great deal. Spain are worthy champions and play a brand of football that has the aesthetes purring but it’s not a system that is likely to be copied by many. It requires a great many things. Players of exceptional technical quality, players who are extremely fit and motivated and players who are prepared to work harder without the ball than with it. Those qualities in one player are rare enough, to be able to find a whole team who can play like that is going to be beyond most nations.

What we’ll most likely to see is a continuation of systems which close the gap between the established football countries and the so-called lesser nations. Teams like Slovenia, New Zealand, Japan, Slovakia and South Korea showed teams like France, Italy, Denmark and Cameroon that there’s no automatic right to go far just because of history or reputation.

However, I think there’s one area in which this World Cup has had a real impact and that’s television. I don’t mean the coverage itself but the presentation and more specifically the punditry. As journalists and football fans use Twitter to interact in a way they have never been able to before the almost stone-age approach of the TV networks has been shown up for the lazy, outdated mess it is.

At the touch of a timeline are journalists with specific areas of expertise, blogs and bloggers who cover everything from the smallest leagues in the world to the largest, from systems to tactics as well as in-depth analysis of players and managers and teams. The wealth of football knowledge is quite extraordinary. So when these football fans turn on their TVs to hear ex-pros providing the same tired soundbites they’ve been spouting for years it’s in stark contract to the well-informed stuff they can get online, all day, every day.

"He's hit it and it's gone in the back of the net"

You don’t have to look far to find examples of their lack of knowledge and insight. Countless blogs have taken them to task and rightly so. If you’re going to work as an ‘expert’ then your knowledge of the game should reflect that. Not knowing anything about a team, its players, the manager or the way they play simply isn’t good enough. Mocking a fellow pundit because he namechecks a player from an ‘obscure’ country, the way Hansen did to Lee Dixon, isn’t just a display of ignorance but one of contempt to fans and viewers.

Jingoism should play no part in your analysis of the game. The ludicrous claim by BBC’s Guy Mowbray that ‘one, maybe two’ of Germany’s team would get into the England XI was typical of the kind of rubbish spouted by the English channels. A 1-0 win over Slovenia was, apparently, enough to convince nearly every single pundit and commentator on the BBC and ITV that England were ‘back’. Instead of the analytical view which most viewers took, that England’s performances were essentially abject, they eschewed their roles as analysts and became cheerleaders.

They’re not there to tub-thump, they’re there to give viewers an insight into the game. Having pride in one’s country is fine, and hoping they’ll win is also fine, but to ignore all the evidence in front of you just to do a bit of flag-waving is not.

Look at the viewing figures for the final. BBC’s viewing figures peaked at 17.9m, ITV’s at just 3.8m. The commercial network’s coverage has long been considered inferior to both the BBC and Sky and with pundits like Andy Townsend, Kevin Keegan and Gareth Soutgate (a man who writes a far better game than he speaks) doling out the usual platitudes it’s no wonder they were so far behind.

That’s not to say the BBC are much better. They’re just the least worst when compared with ITV. Yes, production, presentation and appearance is all much better and much more professional, but surely now it’s time to call a halt to the Shearer, Lawrenson, Hansen era. As long as we continue to persist with the delusion that ex-professionals know more about the game than anyone else and are better qualified to speak about it then things won’t improve.

As the BBC pays Hansen £1m a year to call the Dutch ‘thugs’ for the treatment of the Spanish – while defending the same rigorous style of play when Premier League teams get ‘stuck in’ to opponents who try to play football – then what hope is there? When Mark Lawrenson spends most of his time co-commentating in a game by complaining about what a chore it is then isn’t it time to give the job to somebody with some passion and enthusiasm who can make it interesting?

There are articulate, knowledgeable football journalists who could, if given the opportunity, improve television coverage a great deal. People who can speak English properly and use the correct tenses. Call me a snob but my toes curl every time I hear a Jamie Redknapp style mangling of the English language. There were pundits for whom English was not their first language who spoke better than some of the ‘natives’. Why shouldn’t we expect high standards, especially when they’re being paid so much money?

So, if there’s anything to be taken from the World Cup in South Africa it’s that fans want, and deserve, better from those who are given the platform to talk about the game for a living. As our knowledge of the game increases, as we learn from each other and from those with real expertise, it’s not acceptable that we get the same old schtick from guys who are too lazy and too comfortable to accept they need to keep up with the times.

As France Football’s Philippe Auclair famously commented on Arseblog’s podcast:

In Britain almost every analyst is a former player – it’s as though ‘if you were a horse you could be a jockey.’

If the World Cup in South Africa has taught us anything, it’s that it’s time to send some of these horses to the glue factory.

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Bonus reading: Two Hundred Percent has a great piece about much the same thing.

WINNERS

Andres Iniesta
Scorer of the crucial goal, Iniesta made a mockery of his earlier reluctance to shoot with a thumping finish across the goalkeeper, followed by a moving tribute to Daniel Jarque. For which he was booked.

Cesc Fabregas
Showed why Arsenal are so keen to keep him and Barca to sign him with a vital cameo. Twice came close before providing the assist for Iniesta’s goal. The Arsenal fan in me hopefully asks: why move to Barca when you can play with them all for Spain?

Diego Forlan
Rightly awarded the Golden Ball in the aftermath of yesterday’s game. For a player whose side didn’t reach the final to take home the biggest individual prize shows the scale of his achievement.

Thomas Muller
Golden Boot winner in his first tournament. Miroslav Klose may have failed to overtake Ronaldo’s goalscoring record, but Muller is young enough and perhaps good enough to have a go.

LOSERS

Arjen Robben
Missed two vital chances: one to score, one to get Carles Puyol sent off. Andres Iniesta wasn’t as forgiving, which led to the dismissal of…

John Heitinga
Had a solid game, but suffered the ignominy of being sent off in the biggest game of his career. Inevitable, considering the performance of…

Howard Webb
I feel a bit sorry for the Englishman who progressed furthest in the tournament. Holland’s heavy-handed tactics meant he had little choice but to take a hard line, but that meant the game ended up being bitty and stilted. There were more bookings than in a restaurant serving free food. Webb won’t forget his final in a hurry.

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As ever, and for the final time, your suggestions are welcome.  Cheers guys.

Lastmanback’s World Cup XI, playing in a 4-3-3.

Goalkeeper: Diego Benaglio - in a tournament in which no keeper really stood out the one that sticks most in my head is Benaglio. He looked solid, made good saves and despite going home after the group stages did his reputation the world of good.

Right back: Philip Lahm – If you want a right back who can attack, you have to look at Sergio Ramos. If you want one who can attack and defend, the German captain is the man.

Centre-half: Carles Puyol – The Barcelona captain looked leggy at times and it’s clear he’s lost a yard of pace but for sheer will to win and no nonsense defending he has to be picked.

Diego Lugano

Centre-half: Diego Lugano – It was between him and Gerard Pique but the Uruguayan captain gets the nod. They missed him through injury in the semi-final against Holland and ultimately it showed.

Left back: Joan Capdevila – the suggested weak link in the Spanish defence was never truly exposed by anyone. Might not get the kudos playing for Villarreal but he was solid and consistent throughout.

Midfield: Marc van Bommel – controversial, perhaps, and I’ve expressed my thoughts about his play in previous posts but there’s no denying he played a crucial role in Holland reaching the final. He was, quite simply, the most effective defensive midfielder of the tournament (as well as the dirtiest).

Midfield: Xavi – ran the show for Spain. So much of what they do depends on him, his distribution and metronomic movement makes him the best central midfield player in the world.

Midfield: Thomas Mueller – the Bayern youngster scored five goals from midfield and announced himself on the world stage. He’s got a brilliant future ahead of him.

Forward: Andrés Iniesta – sometimes a little marginal for my liking but when he’s in a game he really makes an impact. Scored the winner in the final to ensure his contribution to Spain’s campaign was decisive and historic.

Forward: David Villa – five goals this time around and his record at international level is incredible. I feel he’s better playing alongside another striker, as the lone frontman the game can pass him by a bit.

Striker: Diego Forlan – The Uruguayan has proved time and again in La Liga that his time at Manchester United was an aberration. He’s a consistent, exciting striker who scored some brilliant goals and thoroughly deserved the Golden Ball.

Subs: Casillas, Pique, Schweinsteiger, Özil, Fabregas, Klose, Gyan

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Hogger‘s not too different World Cup XI, also playing in a 4-3-3.

Goalkeeper: Iker Casillas - Captain of the champions, winner of the golden gloves, and maker of a critical save to deny Arjen Robben in the final.  Is there a better keeper in world football?

Right back: Maicon – A monster of an athlete who deserved better than a quarter-final exit.  Scored a phenomenal goal against North Korea and almost matched Carlos Alberto’s 1970 wonder goal after another storming run.

Centre-half: Carles Puyol – A cracking header to secure Spain’s place in the final, and leadership from the back throughout the tournament.

Centre-half: Per Mertesacker – At the last World Cup, Mertesacker was like Bambi on ice.  This time round, he was solid, secure, and almost managed to deny Spain in the semi-final.  Surely worth a flutter for a Premier League side?

Left back: Gio Van Bronkhurst – Hit the best strike of the tournament and led Holland to the final in his last month as a footballer.

Midfield: Bastian Schweinsteiger – Has matured in to an outstanding holding midfielder: confident on the ball and tenacious off it.

Midfield: Xavi – What Last Man Back said.  The conductor at the heart of Spain’s orchestra.  The oil in the engine.  The milk in their tea.  An oustanding player who is so good that it’s becoming quite boring.

Mesut Özil

Midfield: Mesut Ozil – Werder Bremen’s goggly-eyed playmaker was the man I most enjoyed watching at this tournament.  He was involved in most of what was good about Germany – the tournament’s most potent attacking force.

Forward: Thomas Muller – Playing in an usual role on the right of a 4-5-1 or 4-3-3, Muller scored five goals and made three assists to claim the Golden Boot.

Forward: Diego Forlan – Delighted that justice prevailed and Forlan claimed the Golden Ball.  A one man force of nature who propelled an otherwise ordinary Uruguay side to the semi-finals.

Striker: David Villa – Simply put: the world’s most clinical finisher.

Subs: Vincent Enyeama, Carlos Salcido, Kevin Prince Boateng, Andres Iniesta, Miroslav Klose, Asamoah Gyan

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As always your thoughts and comments are welcomed. Have we missed anyone out? Was Rob Green robbed? Was Rooney ruined? Comment away.

So, it’s all over, Spain have won the World Cup and we can take a few days break from football until pre-season starts. Some thoughts on the final though.

Spain were deserving winners of the trophy given the way they’ve played throughout the tournament, although apart from the Villa chance which Heitinga did well to block they didn’t really threaten in 90 minutes. They created more in extra time and Holland probably had the best chances in normal time.

Arjen Robben should have scored for Holland. He fluffed his one on one chance and Casillas saved. And Robben, who is as light on his feet as anyone, didn’t go down when being held by Puyol some time later. It would have been at least a second yellow for the Spaniard and would have turned the game. Andrés Iniesta wasn’t going to make that mistake, ensuring he tumbled like a ragdoll at the slighest contact from Heitinga. Howard Webb gave the red card. Amazing, the one time Robben stays on his feet and it went a long way to costing his team the final.

Marc van Bommel is a thug and should have been given a red card in the first half for a truly shocking foul on Iniesta. You can’t call what Nigel de Jong did to Xabi Alonso a tackle. It was assault. A studs up karate kick to the chest. Red card all day long. Howard Webb got both those decisions wrong in my opinion.

The English ref had a poor game. He never really got it under control despite the cards being dished out and Holland can rightly feel unhappy with the build up to the Spanish goal. Moments after not giving them a corner when Sneijder’s free kick deflected off Cesc Fabregas, he ignored an obvious foul on Elia on the edge of the Spanish box. From there they went upfield and scored. Anyone who watches the Premier League on a regular basis won’t be surprised but he’s just not a good enough official for the World Cup final.

For all the criticism, right and proper as it is, of the Dutch’s over-physical approach it’s not as if Spain are the epitome of purity and good sportsmanship. They way they crowded the ref at every opportunity and waved imaginary cards to get opponents booked was appalling to watch. And it shouldn’t be overlooked that the Dutch provided the most sporting moment of the match when Robin van Persie eschewed a corner to give the ball back to Casillas.

Cesc Fabregas made a real impact when coming on and his assist for Iniesta’s goal made up for his missed chance when he could have squared to Villa for a tap-in. Iniesta’s tribute to Espanyol’s Dani Jarque, who died of a heart attack in August last year, was a nice touch. Holland needed better from Robben and Sneijder, both of whom were poor and provided little or no service to Robin van Persie.

Overall, it wasn’t much of a final. I don’t think either side covered themselves in glory and Spain’s technical superiority shone through in the end. I have to admit that while I can certainly recognise the talent in the Spanish squad their win is somewhat underwhelming. It’s not as if they destroyed their opponents on the way to the final. Four games in a row won 1-0 is not quite total football. George Graham would be proud.

The World Cup is over, folks. We’ll have our teams (good and bad) of the tournament coming up soon.

A little overdue – this write-up looks at the semi-finals and the pointless yet entertaining third/fourth play-off.

WINNERS

Diego Forlan
A loser in the semis but a winner across the tournament.  Almost certainly the single individual who has exerted the greatest influence over his side.  Two more great goals take his total to five, and his reputation to an unprecedented high.

Carles Puyol
Scored the crucial goal in the semi, but was also extremely solid at the back to deny a freescoring Germany side.

Wesley Sneijder
Might just be wondering if his name is on the Golden Boot after another jammy goal against Uruguay.  Sneijder had an extraordinary domestic campaign with Inter, and if he can help Holland lift the World Cup at the third attempt then he’ll be the favourite to win World Footballer of the Year.  And, more importantly, he’ll have pissed off Real Madrid something mighty.

LOSERS

Miroslav Klose
Quiet in the semi and injured for the third-place play-off, Klose failed to score the one goal required to match the all-time World Cup record held by the original and fatter Ronaldo.

Fernando Muslera
Uruguay’s keeper was beaten from long-range twice against Holland, then made a hash of a simple cross against Germany to gift Marcell Jansen a goal.

Fernando Torres
Dropped for the semi and denied a simple tap-in by Pedro’s selfishness when brought on as a sub.  It will hurt a player of his quality to begin on the bench tonight.

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The biggest winners and losers of this World Cup might yet be decided today.  Come back tomorrow to see who they are.

我来自不远的未来，我知道很多人只会把我的话当是个玩笑，我愿意先给大家一点事实的证据。

我给出的的证据很简单，目前世界最关注的世界 杯，决赛双方将是荷兰和西班牙，荷兰2：1战胜了西班牙，斯内德和另一个你们猜不出的替补球员进了球。希望我的这番话不要在世界杯决赛前传到南非，否则我 担心球员心态受影响，从而改变了历史。

一个月后我会回来，那时候希望你们愿意相信我的所有关于未来的话！

Oh, yes, He’s Chinese.

For those of you who’s Chinese is a bit on the rusty side. Here is a rough approximation  in the Queen’s. The post was made on a Chinese website to which I have linked at the foot of this.

Clicking around the Net, this could be the most read post on an Internet forum ever. So even if it does turn out to be rubbish, it may yet make history.

I have given evidence of very simple, now the world’s attention the World Cup finals will be both the Netherlands and Spain, the Netherlands beat Spain 2-1, Sneijder and another you could not guess the substitute players into the ball.

I hope my words do not spread to South Africa before the World Cup finals, otherwise I fear that the mentality of the affected players, which changed history！

A month later I will come back, then I hope you all like to believe that my remarks about the future!

Prices for this 66/1 and better.

Look, you’ve been reading about a bloody Octopus called Paul, so don’t turn your nose up at a time traveller!

Link HERE

Well, let’s nail our colours to the mast for Sunday’s game. Many of us are neutrals who just want to see a good game of football.

However, I am firmly on the side of the Dutch. Here are the 5 reasons why.

1978 – The first game of football I can vividly remember watching as a young boy and I was up for Holland. I was underneath my Dad’s chair and I remember hurting my head when Rensenbrink hit the post in the final minute when he should have scored the goal to win the tournament.

Instead it went to injury time, goals from Mario Kempes and Daniel Bertoni won it for the hosts and I was absolutely gutted. Here we are 32 years later and I can still feel the pain. And I’m not Dutch. And yes, I really do bear a grudge.

Robin van Persie – As an Arsenal fan I want to see Arsenal players do well. I know Cesc is in the Spanish squad but he’s hardly played and anyway, he’s Catalan, like those other fake Spaniards from Barcelona. Robin’s had a quiet enough tournament in terms of goals but has done a lot of good work up top. I hope he scores the winner.

Xavi - sharp dresser, smooth footballer

Xavi – Yeah, we know you’re good, you don’t have to keep showing us in every game, do you? The pint sized Steve van Zandt lookalike is a quite remarkable player, I’ve got no problem admitting that, but his obsession with the DNA of Cesc Fabregas is irritating beyond belief.

Spanish workmen – I lived in Spain for a number of years (or Catalunya if we’re going to apply the same standards as in the Robin van Persie bit) and loved it. Great place, lots of sunshine, cheap beer, spirits and wine and warm sea. Wonderful.

Until something breaks. Then you have to go about the business of hiring a Spanish workman. When discussing time of arrival “in the morning” can be anywhere from 8am to 4pm in the afternoon. And “tomorrow” can mean any day within three weeks of the conversation.

They’re quick enough to land you with the bill when the job is finished, or more often than not half-finished. I’ve dealt with electricians, car repair people, plumbers, builders, carpenters and motorbike mechanics and if I thought I could get away with it I’d crucify each one of them for the pain they put me through.

Told you I’m a grudge king, didn’t I?

Sergio Ramos – Perhaps it’s petty of me but there’s just something about his face, particularly when he’s happy, that gets on my nerves. Imagine how happy he’d be if Spain won the World Cup?

He’d be smiling his smile with face and his mouth and his teeth and that floppy hair and I just don’t think I could cope with that. Sure, I could turn the TV off and forget about it as I have no real vested interest in the game, but I don’t want to listen to common sense and reason.

I’m a football fan, since when did either of those two things have any place in the game? I’m sorry but I want to see him weep. Or if not that just looking really sad would do. I don’t want to be greedy.

Bonus reason: In Spain I used to work with a Dutch bloke who called himself ‘Puk’.

‘What kind of a name is Puk?’, I asked him one day.

‘Oh, I just called myself that because my real name is so terrible’.

‘Really? Worse than Puk?’

‘Yeah’.

‘What is it’.

‘Remco’.

‘Fair play to you, Rimjob. You did the right thing’.

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So there you, my five reasons why I want Holland to win. Feel free to let us know who your favourite is and why.