Three and in – not just another football blog

Fulham fans are a tame bunch.  Their reputation for middle-class niceness precedes them.  One half expects them to turn up at games with a picnic hamper under one arm, and an order form for a Wills & Kate Commemorative Plate under the other.  It’s rare to see them embroiled in any sort of nastiness or controversy.  Which is why their actions at the Emirates Stadium on Saturday were so surprising.

Instead of their usual polite clapping and twirling of rattles you thought had vanished from football grounds in the 1950s, every time Andrey Arshavin got on the ball they would join as an unruly chorus to boo him.

Why, you wonder? What had he done to so upset the Fulham fans.

Well, this:

And no, I don’t mean that he composed the electro horror that accompanies the start of the video.  What offended them so much was Arshavin’s speech in the second half of that film, and its assumed impact on Russia’s victory in the 2018 World Cup bid – and England’s subsequent defeat.

It’s just a collection of honest, humble words from a guy who simply wants the best for his country.  It’s not as if he’ll get to play in the World Cup on his home turf.  When asked if he expected to make the squad for 2018, aged 37, Arshavin quipped:

“I have no chance.  Plus, if I can play then it means Russia will have a bad team, so I hope not.”

He’s right.  At times, Arshavin looks as if he won’t last eighty minutes, so another eight years would be a bit ambitious.

Booing Arshavin for England’s failures is a symptom of the same conceit and sense of entitlement that sees English squads perform so badly in tournaments, wherever they’re staged.

What’s more, the Fulham fans are directing their ire at the wrong man.  Arshavin didn’t make the decision himself, and it’s probably fair to say his speech had little impact on the voting.  Those decisions were made long ago, and were probably more influenced by Roubles than Rhetoric.

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DATELINE: December 2019

Breaking news: There was shock and outrage today as it was announced that the 2030 World Cup is to be held in outer space.

After a series of bids and presentations FIFA executives voted to hold the tournament on oil rich Mars which was colonised just 8 months ago. As yet there isn’t a single football stadium on the Dubai/Texas owned planet but architects drawings and some sincere sounding promises from men in robes and cowboy hats were enough to convince Sepp Blatter and his henchmen.

FIFA say fans will love the atmosphere

“This is a momentous day for the sport”, said Blatter, rolling around a gilded bed, gently fingering one of the four naked women provided to him by the Mars delegation. “For years we’ve dreamed of taking football to another planet and finally it’s happened”.

FIFA have rejected claims from the unsuccessful countries that the World Cup will be inaccessbile to fans saying that they have personally developed a safe method of interplanetary travel and packages would be available from all FIFA approved travel agents.

“WTF?!”, twittered England’s bid ambassador Rio Ferdinand, “Sum 1 needs 2 bitch slap Blatter”, while King David and Queen Victoria were said to be ‘not amused’ by the decision.

However, one leading sports analyst said that such a move was inevitable. Peregrine Groves, of Groves, Caesar and Woodcock, said”Look, the minute they started doing stupid stuff like having tennis matches on the top of skyscrapers we were moving into this kind of territory. And the Qatar decision only aided this. If you can have a World Cup in a desert then Mars is not really such a stretch. At least you can have a beer on the red planet”.

FIFA has long been dogged with accusations of corruption and lack of transparency. The decision to retrospectively award the 1966 World Cup to Germany after technology proved that Geoff Hurst’s shot didn’t cross the line caused great controversy in 2017 while debate still rages as to why video replays still can’t be used when it is clear Platini’s ‘One ref per player’ scheme has caused more harm than good.

The benefit provided by a strong backroom staff or assistant has long been up for debate. Many wonder just what Pat Rice does alongside Arsene Wenger on the Arsenal bench, other than put out cones and occasionally don sunglasses so he resembles a sub-standard Elton John impersonator. Alex Ferguson, however, has famously benefited from a series of much-acclaimed assistants. Both Brian Kidd and Carlos Quieroz were revered for their work as number twos, but like Gary Barlow, couldn’t cut it when they went solo.

Last week, Chelsea clearly felt that Ray Wilkins was expendable and that Carlo Ancelotti could manage managing just fine without him. On the other side of London, West Ham obviously felt Avram Grant needed all the help they could get. Two-headed football club-owning monster Gollivan appointed former Reading and Southampton coach Wally Downes as a Defensive Specialist. Downes has drilled back fours before for the likes of Steve Coppell and Alan Pardew, and was seemingly brought in to tighten up a leaky defensive unit.

It was a surprising appointment. The cultured Israeli Avram Grant and loudmouth cockney Downes are chalk and cheese: the odd couple of football management, thrown together by a pair of owners playing cupid. In many ways, the appointment could have been seen as undermining Grant and paving the way for his eventual replacement by, say, a figure like Copell.

Whatever the methodology behind Downes’ arrival, the turnaround since he rocked up has been extraordinary. A 3-1 win over Wigan was followed by the 4-0 hammering of Manchester United in the League Cup.

I’m not suggesting for a minute that Downes is solely responsible for the revival in fortunes. Carlton Cole’s comments last night, however, would suggest he’s played a significant role:

“Wally Downes is having a real impact, he’s got us working together as a team, and hopefully this week can prove a real turning point for us this season.”

And within Cole’s quote lies the secret of Downes’ impact – and it’s nothing to do with perfecting the offside trap. Downes is an unbearably energetic and infectious personality to have on the training ground. That’s yet another way in which he is Grant’s antithesis. You’ll never see Grant barking instructions from the touchline. Equally, you’ll hardly ever see Downes sitting down.

It’s a simple strategy, but the effects are already clear. Bringing in someone who isn’t afraid to bawl out the players, to crack a joke as well as the whip, appears to have sparked some life out of the previously catatonic Hammers.

Where’s Wally? He’s the short one screaming at the players. And making, so far, quite the difference.