Three and in – not just another football blog

Dear Spotty Twat,

I call you this because I know this is what you are. I feel compelled to write to you having just encountered you in one of the deepest, darkest, North Europe rooms in FIFA 10. I realise everybody is free to do their own thing and life would be terribly boring if we all did the same, nevertheless, I feel you need some pointers when it comes to playing football online.

Firstly, taking three minutes to choose your team and your starting 11 is probably about two minutes thirty seconds too long. Work with the defaults, it’ll save us all time.

Secondly, nobody wants to see the introduction to the game, the teams coming out, the line-ups being displayed and the referee, finally, waving at both goalkeepers to ensure their readiness. All it takes is for you to press X once and we skip straight to kick off.

Thirdly, replays. This is where, Twatty, if you were in the same room as me the game we were playing would be your last. It’s tough to manipulate the controller with fingers that have just been smashed flat with a lump hammer. One replay of a goal I can understand, watching the goal, no matter how crap, from every possible angle is infuriating. However, it not as infuriating as your insistence on watching replays of offside decisions. Why would anybody want to do that? Are you sitting at home berating the pixelated linesman, saying “He was on. HE WAS MILES ON!”, until the game shows you the officials got it right?

Fourthly, Twatty Spot, when you have celebrated your goal with the robot or the rock-a-bye-baby or, indeed, the ‘sssshhhh’ or the hand to the ear, it is most unsporting of you to pause the game and then quit to the arena when I have just scored a late winner. Sure, I’m going to send you a message via the PS3 to call you a ‘spotty twat’. In fact, I’ll call you much worse than that, but if you’re going to dish it out you should really have the stones to take a bit in return.

Fifthly, if I am down to 9 men and somehow manage to come back to draw a game with a last minute goal, you choosing ‘end the game as a draw’ makes me want to find you and stick your face into an industrial sized blender. I’ve had two men sent off, take your chances.

Sixthly, if your players stand around doing keepy-ups, I will scythe them down from behind, regardless of the red card consequences. If there was any way I could send an electrical current via the internet I would fry you like a spastic chicken.

Seventhly, I hope you end up like this bloke.

Yours in sport,

LMB

So Wayne Rooney smoked a cigarette on a night out with friends. This was eagerly reported by The Sun who spoke of ‘Fergie’s fury’ at such disgraceful, abhorrent behaviour. Did Rooney promise to give up the last time he was snapped having a crafty fag? Is that why the United manager is so angry? It can’t be that he’s shocked at the fact Rooney smoked.

He joins luminaries like Dimitar Berbatov, William Gallas, Zinedine Zidane, Gianluca Vialli, Fabian Barthez and plenty more as confirmed, snapped in the act, smokers. There must be countless others who are clever enough not to get caught. And really, nobody cares.

Clearly it’s in the interests of professional athletes not to smoke but when you perform like Rooney does for United it’s pretty much a non-story. You can’t help but think England’s World Cup failure and Rooney’s ill-judged remarks to the camera are to blame.

Pre-season is interminably dull at the best of times, national newspapers trying to get a bit of ill-judged revenge by publishing pictures of a footballer smoking don’t make things any more exciting.

Real footbal,l and real stories, soon, please.

Radio Free Asia reported last week that North Korea’s World Cup team were subjected to a public barracking upon their return from South Africa. Threeandin wonders how such a story might read if the same fate had awaited England…

England’s national football team were given a marathon public reprimand after a disastrous World Cup campaign, including a 1-4 rout at the hands of Germany that has been blamed on leader Fabio Capello’s inept orders, Radio Five Live reported Monday.

Citing unnamed English sources, 5Live said the team were made to stand on a stage outside the FA’s Soho headquarters, just three days after they returned from South Africa, and subjected to ideological criticism for six hours.

Around 400 prominent English football personalties, including Marlon Harewood and Louise Redknapp, as well other athletes and sport students, were apparently part of the audience. Andy Townsend, the former Englishman, pointed out the mistakes of each player from a specially deployed “tactics truck”.

Individuals were targeted by the baying crowd. Emile Heskey was made to wear a pair of false donkey ears, whilst David James was forced to sign a contract with Championship side Bristol City. Shaun Wright-Phillips is expected to undertake community service as a garden gnome, and former captain John Terry has been sentenced to a lifetime’s monogamy. Jamie Carragher was exempt from the session, on account of the fact that his nationality is officially registered as ‘Scouse’.

Manager Fabio Capello did not escape criticism: the FA’s Trevor Brooking stole his glasses and chanted “speccy speccy four eyes” as the coach wept in to Franco Baldini’s ample bosom.

An English intelligence source said, “In the past, English athletes and coaches who performed badly were criticised in the press and obliged to make poorly scripted pizza adverts. Considering the high hopes English had for the World Cup, the regime could have done worse things to the team than just reprimand them for their ideological shortcomings. They could have made them be pundits for ITV.”